tomorrow, when I talk to coach, I am finally going to confess all the shit that has been going on behind the scenes. I’m usually the kind of person to just brush things off and try not to take catty comments too seriously, but this all needs to end now. And I don’t care if people on the team think I’m a bitch or not a good captain or a snitch. I am doing what I think is right for the team. Unlike some people, I’m not here to make sure I look good, I’m here to help the team look good. For years I’ve been shit on by people trying to make their own children look like superstars and I just can’t take it. Every time I step out on that field I put my whole entire being into the game. I don’t give a shit about my personal stats, where I hit in the line up, or if some one wants to interview me for a feature article. I just want the team to do well. No one understands how much potential we have and how good of a team we actually are. But all the talent in the world will fail 100% of the time if we continue to talk behind each others backs and not support each other the way a team should. Is it wrong of me to expect so much from these girls when I know they’re capable of being better? I am doing whats right? I just want to show everyone how hard this team has worked to get where we are. All we’re doing now is proving how selfishness will only lose games for you. I don’t care if the girl sitting next to you is your mortal enemy; as soon as you step out onto that field she’s your teammate, she’s the person you need to rely on to win the game.
I pluck the daisies from that green pasture, wanting nothing more in the world than to protect them from the ice storm no one could have forecast. I hold them tight against my chest hoping that the heat of my heart can warm them up, if only for a moment. I whisper to them. Reassuring sounds. I run the path back to my house, trying desperately not to drop them. All the while juggling the million little thoughts racing around in my head. Trying to get to the foreground. Vying for my attention. In a split second my path is altered. Constantly veering off the road. My head screams and reminds me not to let go of those daisies. I need to protect them. They need to stay safe. Running, running, running. I feel the daisy petals in my hands. They give me strength. I look back at the winding road behind me, wind whipping my hair, and wonder how I ever did without those daisies. What a treacherous path I have stumbled through. How was I so oblivious to the danger one storm could cause? I’m taking my daisies and heading for sunshine. Forever sunshine.
It’s in here where I hide my fears. The “you’ll never be good enough“‘s and “why even try“‘s melt away with the rain. Ambitions pour out onto the floor. Why? Is there a reason for your lack of success? They told you champions are made; I’m created by the winningest. The doubts drain from my veins, into that box with the rest of those little devils. I answer back with sweat and scars, to those who question my potential. I will win, always and forever. There is no failure in my being.
I used to write. I used to write a lot. I used to want to share it. All I wanted was a little pat on the back. A little praise. You’re condescending and you always made me feel inadequate. As far as I’m concerned, you can shove your straight A’s up your ass. I know I’m smart. I know I will be successful. I hope you choke on your words.
And that’s the best prose I could have ever written.
the little girl dreamed of the day when the freedom bell would ring. she could already imagine herself running through that field on the edge of town, inhibitions tucked away neatly in a corner of her mind. the same place she used to keep those feelings for him. under the beech tree they would sit, tangled in words never before said. melodious thoughts of a kinder time whisper through her ears. like a phonograph they play from her lips. he laughs, the sound trickles down her spine. he would say “come away with me”. Sincerity was his greatest attribute. Sweet innocence filled the air, smelling of strawberries and fresh cut grass. Her cheeks become cherry red, an affliction brought about by his smoldering green eyes. the forever he promised meant chains for her. a restraint she couldn’t handle. so when the day came, she ran through that field, then over that bridge, then across that state line. with nothing but her imagination to keep her company, she chose to keep the freedom; tasting the sunshine and picking wildflowers all along the way.
The other day I set myself free. Like getting hit in the back of the head with a sledgehammer, it was a rude awakening. The other day I had an epiphany. I know it’s wrong to say that I’m free and flit about carelessly flirting with whomever I choose, but I’m done twirling you in circles. Sure, you would have been wrapped around my finger for as long as I wanted; but that’s just the problem. The decisions were always mine, in the fights I was undefeated, your opinions even melted into my own. There was too much me and not nearly enough you. You hung on every word I said, which I’ll admit was very amusing but I needed someone to talk back. I don’t need a puppy to follow me around, I already have one and she’s much cuter than you are. You sat there waiting for me; the bus that would never arrive at the station. Eternally late. The other day, I finally told you the truth. I was so afraid of hurting your feelings because I know that you are so delicate and fragile. I am filled with elation at the fact that I at last poured my heart out to you. My words cut like a knife; “I don’t want you anymore”. It was the most honest thing I’ve said to you since we met three years ago. You begged and begged and begged for me to change my mind, even attempted to prove your feelings for me. Kept telling me, “but i love you” like it would make me realize how much I loved you back. In reality, the only thing it did make me realize was how much I didn’t love you. I’ve been lying to myself because you’re such a great guy and you would always treat me right, but aren’t my feelings supposed to be part of the big decision? The other day, you made me realize that I don’t want you in my life the same way you want me in yours. Your need for me; the desire to have me in your life, greatly outweighs the frivolity and triviality of your presence in my life. I know what I want, and I know that it’s not you. I want someone I can depend on, NOT someone who has to depend on me for every little thing. I need a hercules.
All great things must come to an end, and this of course includes the Harry Potter movies. I’ve grown up watching Harry, Ron, and Hermoine go through their trials and tribulations and when July 15th hits and the last movie comes out my childhood will come to an end. I find it sad that the journey is finally over. Children all over the world have grown up with these beloved characters and i think all of us have our favorites. My favorite would have to be Hermoine for obvious reasons. I have come to admire her and what Emma Watson has put into her character. These characters and books and movies will forever hold a dear place in my heart. Long live Harry, the boy who lived.
watching people like Gene Kelly and Lauren Bacall look into the camera, I secretly wish I was born in that era. The era of the perfect romance, of glitz and classy Hollywood glamour. Grant, Kelly, and Martin were the perfect leading men. So strong and always acting like gentlemen. I love losing myself in their movies. Its always the greatest escape. I’m going to escape all day.
this summer I am so focused. It just upsets me that you don’t understand why I am so focused. I realize that I’m unable to commit, so why can’t you? I’m at the point where the only thing I wanna cuddle with at night is my puppy. I’m independent and free, then you try to sink your claws into me. You know how much I like you, in fact you’ve known for awhile, but I find myself pushing further and further away from you. We’re like opposite ends of a magnet, the closer you get the farther away I wanna be. I know it shouldn’t be like that but it just is, and I know we constantly take turns screwing each other over and hurting each other. I guess now is just my turn. There is nothing you can do to steal my focus away from the very thing that my whole entire life is revolving around. Sorry.
counting down the days until I can leave this godforsaken city. College cannot come soon enough. I’m so sick of the drama and the lies and the nasty people at this school. I’m ready to vomit when I see people and everything about this place makes me mad. Just put me on a one way flight and I’ll be set for life.